The legend says that long ago, people were whole. Then they were split in two, and each half began searching for the other. We all know the expression “I've found my other half”, don't we?
Perhaps, in childhood, you learned that you were not enough and needed someone else to feel whole. When the person you love is suffering, you may find yourself doing everything for them, even things they need to do for themselves. You help them. Protect them. Fix their mistakes. Forgive their broken promises. Try to change them. And without noticing, you make their life your responsibility. This is one of the traps of codependency: believing that if they are not all right, you cannot be all right either.
But you are not half of someone else. You are a whole person.
You can love without rescuing. You can help without losing yourself. You can stand beside someone without living their life for them.
Perhaps your own recovery begins when you remember:
“Their life belongs to them. My life belongs to me.”
Of course it is hard. Important changes can be difficult to make.
If you already recognise yourself in these words, you can stop reading and write to us now. You do not have to finish the article before asking for help. You will find our contact details below.
What life can look like in codependency
Over time, resignation and exhaustion can set in. You may feel that you no longer have the energy to make different decisions from the ones you have made before. And you begin to believe, “This is just my life.”
The arguments. The promises. The good periods. The relapses. The lies. The lost money. The reconciliations. The crises. Everything repeats until it becomes familiar. And what is familiar can begin to seem normal. You stop asking whether your life is healthy. You only ask how to get through the next problem.
At this point, it is about more than what the person with the addiction is doing. It is also about how much this way of living has affected you. That can leave you feeling that nothing can change.
What can you do? Turn the exclamation mark into a question mark. Move from “This is my life!” to “Could my own life be better?” Leave the question open, without feeling that you must answer it immediately.
When you believe there is no way forward
You have tried talking. Pleading. Crying. Threatening. Negotiating. Trying to control things. Trying to help. And each time, things have returned to the old pattern.
After enough disappointments, it is understandable to think, “I've tried everything. There is no solution.”
But perhaps this is where a different perspective could help. Perhaps the answer is not to find a way to make the other person change. Perhaps the first step is to discover what you can change about the way you live with this situation.
And that means learning to distinguish between loving and rescuing.
Have you confused love with rescuing?
When you love someone, your instinct may be to protect them. You give them money. Make excuses for them. Cover up their mistakes. Get them out of trouble. Lie for them. Try to control their behaviour.
In your mind, all of this may mean, “I'm doing it because I love them.” And that may be exactly what you feel.
But loving another adult does not mean taking responsibility for their life. Sometimes, it means no longer trying to fix every consequence. Setting a boundary. Saying “no”. Leaving the other person responsible for their own choices.
And gradually reclaiming your own life.
After spending so much time looking after someone else, you may no longer know how to look after yourself. That is all right. You can learn. One place to begin is with a decision: “Even though I don't know how, and even though it feels very hard, I want to learn to take care of myself.”
Are you too exhausted to look after yourself, too?
Work. Children. Responsibilities. Financial problems. Looking after the home. Worrying about them. Worrying that something will happen. That other people will find out. That another argument will begin.
Then someone says, “You should ask for help, too.” And you think, “When would I have time for that?”
Exhaustion can make even the first step seem impossible. That is why you do not have to wait until you cannot go on. You can begin with a conversation. Tell someone what is happening. Ask for another perspective.
You do not have to resolve the whole situation in one day. Nor do you have to know from the beginning where change will take you.
Are you afraid of change?
Even when you know that things cannot carry on as they are, change can be frightening.
What will you do if they do not change? How will you respond when you begin saying “no”? What will happen when you stop trying to fix everything? What will your life look like if you begin thinking about yourself, too?
You do not need the answers now. You do not need to know exactly what to do. You can begin by asking questions and looking for support.
Perhaps the first step is for you
If you recognise yourself in these words, there is something simple I would like to tell you: you do not have to wait for the person with the addiction to change before beginning to make the changes you need.
You cannot control someone else's choices. But you can learn to gradually regain control over your own life. Learn to set boundaries. Learn how to stop living in constant fear. Learn to stop feeling guilty for things that are not your responsibility. Learn to take care of yourself without feeling that you are abandoning the other person.
And you can ask for help.
You do not need to arrive with all the answers. You do not need to know exactly what to do. You can begin by saying, “I don't know what to do any more, and I need to talk to someone.” That is enough.
Sometimes, this is the first step.
You can talk to us now
The FII LIBER programme run by Asociația CONGRUENT is for people with addictions and their families.
If someone you love is struggling with an addiction and you feel that your own life has begun to revolve around the problem, you do not have to go through this alone.
What you need to know:
- The conversation is confidential.
- You do not have to tell your whole story in the first conversation. You can simply listen, if that is what you need.
- You will not be judged or held responsible for someone else's addiction.
- You can ask questions and describe what is happening in your family without having to prove anything to anyone.
📧 asociatiacongruent@gmail.com 📞 0772 219 719 / 0774 514 552
You have spent enough time trying to save someone else. Now you can begin taking care of yourself, too.
The first step can simply be a conversation with someone who understands where you are.
