This affects your life, too
Alcohol, gambling, drugs or another form of addiction can affect more than the person struggling with it. Addiction can become part of the relationship, the family, the household budget, the way you communicate and the peace of everyday life.
You start paying close attention to how they are feeling. You check where they are. You try to prevent the next problem. You cover up mistakes, find explanations and repair the damage addiction has caused.
And you?
You keep going to work, looking after the children, running the home and doing whatever needs to be done. From the outside, things may seem normal. But what do you feel inside? Exhaustion? Anger? Despair? Helplessness? Fear?
You have thought about asking for help, but something holds you back. Something stronger than your wish to reach out makes you put the phone down, even though you want to dial that number or send that message. Could it be…
1. Shame?
“What will other people say?” “What if someone finds out that my husband or wife drinks?” “What if they find out my child has a gambling problem?” “How can I say that this is happening in my family?”
In a society where the family's image matters so much, admitting that things are not all right can be very difficult. You struggle to keep up appearances. You smile when you do not feel like smiling. You say “We're fine” when you are not.
Shame makes you hide the problem.
Unfortunately, hiding something does not make it disappear. It only makes it harder to carry. And when shame mixes with the responsibility you feel for the other person, another obstacle can appear.
2. Guilt?
Instead of asking only what is happening to them, you start looking for the answer in yourself. “Did I do something wrong?” “Maybe I wasn't paying enough attention.” “Maybe I should have done more.” “Would this have happened if I had behaved differently?”
When you love someone, it can be easy to take on a responsibility that is not yours. You come to believe that if you can discover your mistake, you will be able to fix their problem, too. But another person's addiction does not become your responsibility simply because you love them. And that belief can push you to do even more for them.
3. Feeling responsible for everything?
“If I don't take care of it, who will?”
You pay debts. You borrow money. You cover up mistakes. You call their workplace on their behalf. You find explanations for the family. You try to mend relationships that have been damaged. Rather than seeing the problem from a little distance, you begin to build your life around it.
Your day becomes about what they have done, what they might do, where they are, how much money they have left and how you can prevent the next crisis.
At this pace, it is easy to forget about yourself. And when someone tells you that you need help, another fear can arise: the fear of being judged.
4. Fear of being judged?
Perhaps you would like to talk to someone, but you can already imagine the questions: “Why have you stayed so long?” “Why are you still helping them?” “Why don't you leave?” “How could you let things get this far?”
The last thing you need when you are already exhausted is to feel that you have to defend yourself. You need to be able to tell the truth without being put on trial.
Sometimes, that makes staying silent feel easier than risking judgment. But silence can keep you even further from the reality you need to face.
5. Denial?
Saying out loud “My husband or wife has an addiction” or “My child has a problem” can be extremely hard. So you keep finding explanations: “It's not that bad.” “They're just going through a difficult time.” “They'll stop.” “They promised this was the last time.”
For a while, these explanations help you bear what is happening. But when the same situation repeats again and again, it becomes harder to see it as just a difficult period.
Acknowledging the problem hurts. It can also be the beginning of change, especially when you still hope that things can get better.
6. Hope that things will change?
There have been quiet periods. Sincere promises. Regrets. Days when you felt that things would finally settle down. And you began to hope again. It is natural to hope when you love someone. The difficulty comes when your whole life is put on hold: you wait for them to change before you allow yourself to live differently.
There is something you can do in the meantime, even if they are not ready to change: begin taking care of yourself.
If you already recognise yourself here, you can stop reading and write to us now. You do not have to finish the article before asking for help. You will find our contact details below.
7. Fear of what change might bring?
What will happen if you stop giving them money? If you stop covering up their mistakes? If you say “no”? If you begin setting boundaries? What if they get angry? What if they leave? What if the situation gets worse?
When you have spent a long time trying to control the consequences of addiction, boundaries can seem dangerous. You may come to believe that everything will fall apart unless you step in.
But setting a boundary does not mean that you no longer love someone. It means beginning to distinguish between what you can control and what you cannot. That distinction becomes even harder to accept when you have learned that you must do anything for your family.
8. Keeping the family together at any cost?
In Romanian culture, family is a deeply held value. You may have grown up with the idea that you stand by your partner through good times and bad, that a parent does not abandon their child, and that family problems should be dealt with within the family.
These values matter. But sometimes, without your noticing, “standing by your family” comes to mean “putting up with anything”. You stay for the children. You stay because this is your husband or wife. You stay because “the family has to stay together”.
And while you try to protect the family, you begin to lose yourself. The more you hide what is happening, the harder it becomes to talk about it.
9. Loneliness?
Perhaps, at first, you told someone what was happening at home. Then you noticed that people were asking questions that made you uncomfortable. And you began avoiding them.
You stop inviting friends over. You stop talking about what is happening. You find explanations. You hide the arguments, the lost money, the substance use or the broken promises.
Over time, your circle grows smaller. You begin to feel that no one can really understand what you are living through. This can be one of the most painful parts of the experience: feeling alone even when you live with someone.
Do you recognise yourself in any of this?
If you do, there is something worth knowing: none of these feelings makes you weak or wrong. Shame, guilt and fear of judgment are understandable responses when someone you love has an addiction and you are trying to keep everything afloat on your own.
There is a next step. In the second article, we look at what happens when exhaustion becomes overwhelming and, more importantly, what you can do even if your loved one is not yet ready to change.
You can talk to us now
You do not need to have all the answers. You do not need to know exactly what to do. You do not need to have “tried everything” before asking for help.
What you need to know about the FII LIBER programme:
- The conversation is confidential.
- You do not have to tell your whole story in the first conversation. You can simply listen, if that is what you need.
- You will not be judged or held responsible for your loved one's addiction.
- You can ask questions and describe what is happening in your family without having to prove anything to anyone.
- You can start by saying, “I don't know what to do any more, and I need to talk to someone.” That is enough. Sometimes, this is the first step.
The FII LIBER programme run by Asociația CONGRUENT is for people with addictions and their families.
📧 asociatiacongruent@gmail.com 📞 0772 219 719 / 0774 514 552
You have spent enough time trying to save someone else. Now you can begin taking care of yourself, too.
